The common stereotype of sadomasochism (SM) is a vampish woman clad in tight black leather and six-inch heels, whip and chain in hand, while a man in a leather thong kneels on the floor next to her, begging to lick her boot.
While this scenario does happen in the world of SM, well-known prodomme Catherine Gross (Mistress Catherine, if you will) said that the image doesn't convey all the nuances of SM. There is so much more to understand about how fantasy play works in discussions of feminism and sexual freedom.
""The 1900s are over,"" she said. ""Let's be powerful in our sexuality.""
Gross addressed about 30 students who showed up for the ""BDSM 101"" lecture last night, which was sponsored by Womyn's Herstory Month at NYU.
Kate Jerman, a senior at the Shirley M. Ehrenkranz School of Social Work, coordinated the lecture to highlight the different sexual practices of women.
Gross is a self-described sex worker who has trained for years to learn the physiology and psychology of being a dominatrix. She offers sessions primarily in New York, Atlanta and D.C., and travels all over the country to give workshops and lectures.
""We learn what we need to do with our hands and some time after, our hands become automatic and part of a flow just like driving a car or cooking a meal or what have you,"" she said.
She said she didn't enter into the SM industry and community for the money. In fact, she used to be vice president of six companies and had lots of financial freedom. But she started her prodomme career because it satisfied a need within her that her other life did not satiate.
Gross went on to talk about major points of SM, one of which was consent. Interaction between the prodomme and the client must be consensual. Every action is discussed and negotiated beforehand, upholding to the SM community's credo: safe, sane and consensual.
And although consent is key to SM, how the client or receiver feels during the SM act is also pivotal in differentiating SM from abuse. One must consider both consent and the receiver's feelings in order to determine whether there is pleasure or abusive violence going on.
Sometimes SM is just about having a good sexual experience — or rather experiencing pleasurable sensations.
""All of the bad sex I will ever have for the entire rest of my life happened in my early 20s,"" Gross said. ""Never again! There's no reason for it."" Gross realized that her early sex life was bad because she allowed it to be bad. This all changed when she opened up to her desires.
""Take responsibility for your desires,"" she said. ""Own who you are as a sexual being.""
Gross explained that as long as people own their desire and can communicate what they want, they can fulfill their sexual needs. She also explained that even though she is a sex worker, she does not have sexual intercourse with her clients. The fulfillment is a mental release through notions of power in role play.
""Power excites me,"" Gross said as she explained the difference between power and control.
She made a fist with her left hand. Control, she said referring to her fist, is very finite and closed off. Power, however, was more like an open palm — an open submission to the SM play. And Gross certainly does have power. She said that she plays only where she wants to — possible clients are screened, and depending on their intentions are either accepted as clients or passed on to other prodommes.
Sometimes SM can be part of a healing process for the client.
She told a story of an incident where a client came to her trying to deal with the death of her brother, who was shot in the chest. She placed pins into the woman's chest where her brother had been shot, and placed pressure on that area while talking about releasing the emotional pain of the deceased loved one. Then, she ripped all of the pins out of the woman's chest — the profuse amount of blood gushing from the wound represented the woman's emotional release. Gross said that her client was grateful, and has even kept in contact.
The experience of SM makes everyone involved bond, and the community is close-knit. Gross refers to people she mentors as her ""kids,"" many of whom were at the lecture.
One of Gross's kids is College of Arts and Science senior Elizabeth Martin, who donned a buzz cut and a baggy NYU sweatshirt. Martin met Gross a year and a half ago. Martin said that their energies meshed really well.
""She's a dominant woman. I happen to enjoy dominant women,"" Martin said. ""Energies just mixed well.""
Gross has acted as a mentor to Martin ever since they met.
""I come to her with questions, comments and things I have because I'm still a relative newbie,"" said Martin, whose ""scene name"" is Frankie, and has a male ""scene gender.""
""Any play that we do play is not paid for,"" said Martin. ""It's not like I'm a client. It's because we have a personal relationship.""
She said the SM experience satisfies her mentally, physically and emotionally.
""It's definitely mental, it's definitely physical and the emotion is evoked,"" she said. ""Physical in terms of you'll have a physical attraction and you'll feel a sensation. Mental is that you're being challenged. And then the emotional will come with all of that in terms of what's going on in the scene.""34
Washington Square News > Undefined Section
Prodomme: SM is more than just licking boots
Published: Wednesday, January 1, 1997
Updated: Saturday, September 6, 2008
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