How will you spend your Thanksgiving break?
NYU in Prague director Jiri Pehe is kind of a political rock star.
He's worked closely with literary dreamboat and premier Czech president Vaclav Havel. He's lent his knowing hand to Radio Free Europe. And in 1981, he had the gall — the sheer, explosive, libertine chutzpah — to flee communist Czechoslovakia in 1981, eventually finding a home in the U.S.
His mug is all over Google, and for those particularly tickled by stories of democratic leaders, Mr. Pehe is probably a household name. Scope his nearly 300-word list of accomplishments on his biography page on NYU in Prague's website, and you'll see for yourself that he's, well, a pretty important sort of fellow.
Recently, he scribed an email in response to a grave mystery, a mystery that with each passing day bubbles ever closer to its boiling point. The e-mail began with a line that would perhaps bring a tear to those few proud Czech dissidents who publicly opposed communist "normalization:"
"It has been brought to my attention again," writes Mr. Pehe, "that food items are being stolen from rooms, kitchens and refrigerators in the Machova dorm."
Surely, this numbers high among the darkest hours Jiri Pehe would face in this country, the land he fought for and loved. The letter goes on. Machova residence hall RAs are asked to be more "vigilant"and increase their night patrols. Red notices have been plastered all over our hallways, saying things to the effect of, "lock yourself in your room or you will — you WILL —have your granola stolen, and then you will die."
The kicker, with the rotting cherry on top, is that the NYU in Prague administration actually thinks this is such a tremendous problem (no doubt because of what I'm sure are innumerable complaints) that the university notified Czech police. Should the thief be caught, they could be put in front of a tribunal and then, ultimately, to death. (Also, they face immediate expulsion from NYU Prague and will get their rumps bruised further back in New York.)
Yeah, this is pretty cringe-worthy.
The saga of Machova's missing food items has lumbered on since early fall. The stories have attained near-mythic levels in these halls, and to my knowledge, no suspect has been detained. With mere days left in the semester, I can only conclude that the bandit will remain at large, possibly to return to the U.S. to continue his or her reign of produce-pilfering terror. Maybe there was something to the concept of secret police, after all.
Who could it be? An assortment of faceless drunken partygoers returning from a night out with a serious case of the munchies? They just happen to open the fridge and think, "hey, dude, MILK,"and help themselves. Meanwhile the victim sleeps peacefully unaware mere doors down, only to awake hours later in a cold sweat, realizing — crap! — that they hadn't initialed their foodstuffs in Sharpie? That sounds, you know, possible. Should this be the case, I might feel a bit of sympathy for the stunk-ass narfer who gets caught red-handed, take-home goulash dripping from their quivering lips.
Otherwise, guys, I'm mostly just embarrassed. We aren't worthy, Mr. Pehe. We just aren't.
