Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota has recently announced to the press the latest installment in her pursuit of higher education, a doctorate in philosophy — a move I believe to be the most heavenly gift academia has ever received. Although Bachmann feels her debating skills are sufficiently adept, she says she “will not give up until she has fully mastered the art of rhetoric.” Heralded as the greatest thinker of our time, it may come as a surprise that there is anything that Bachmann has yet to learn.
CNN viewers were particularly shocked by her decision, as it came on the heels of a debate with Rep. Bernie Sanders of Vermont, where her impeccable reasoning skills were on full display. Earlier this week, the two got into a heated argument over the merits of social security. Bachmann exhibited a profound mastery of debating, artfully managing to evade the same question nine times in a row. Each word she uttered was remarkably on point, and she could rebut any of Sanders’ claims using brilliant counter arguments such as “it’s a lie” and “you shouldn’t be lying.” In spite of her intellectual conquest of Sanders, the debate only served to remind her that there was room for self-improvement. “Even someone as gifted as I am probably still has one or two things left to learn,” she said.
Much to the dismay of the American public, Bachmann announced she will not be running for re-election this time around, as she’s taking a semester to study abroad in Europe. She will be spending the bulk of the trip in Germany, but will take a week or two to explore Paris. “I’m a little rusty on my French Existentialism,” she admitted with a blush.
When asked what her favorite Existentialist work is, she didn’t hesitate. “Oh, definitely Sartre’s ‘No Exit.’ The religious themes just really resonate with me. He was a fervent believer, you know? The play is all about Hell and the afterlife, and how piety is rewarded with salvation but heresy is punished with eternal damnation.” I am sure I speak for all my fellow critics when I say that never before have we witnessed such academic prowess.
Bachmann was so deeply moved by her own words that she could not continue on the subject. Her passion made it clear that, in addition to being an exceptional politician, she is also one of the world’s foremost Sartre scholars. She hopes to extend this knowledge to other branches of philosophy. Though she will be dearly missed in the political community, I have no doubt that the world of gifted artists and intellectuals will welcome her with open arms.
Emma Howard is a contributing columnist. Email her at [email protected].
