NHL looks to score with ban on fighting, alienates loyal fans

April 1, 2014

Graphic by Tinkerbell

The National Hockey League is outlawing fights, which have been an important part of the sport since its inception. So-called enforcers, such as Tiger Williams, have been glorified by the media and fans alike as staples of the game. The concept was even glorified in the Canadian film “Goon” about two fighters from different generations that go head to head.

But now, with the opinion of league officials shifting to a more refined and cultured environment away from blood and gore, the institution of fighting may be a casualty. Officials are even considering a ban of those who fight from the sport for life.

Fan reactions to this decree from the league office have been swift and absolute. Riots have already begun outside stadiums in New York City, Toronto, Chicago and Pittsburgh. Enraged fans have taken to burning effigies of key NHL officials as well as their own jerseys. Some, including Blackhawks fan Puck Yekcoh, are even planning to camp out and form human chains around their home stadiums until their demands are met.

“We will not have the legacy of this beautiful game be tarnished by the man, man,” Yekcoh said.

It seems as though the fans’ thirst for violence cannot be quenched by simply watching movies or old replays. When fans in Philadelphia heard about the new rule during a game this weekend, brawls began to break out all over the stadium as the participants searched desperately for something to fill the void left by their heroes.

Players have also begun to voice their concern and are threatening action to restore the age-old institution of fighting. Rumors are that most players favor a move en masse to play in Finland, in an attempt at financial retribution against the owners.

“The players have an innate need to get out their frustration through bloodthirsty in game fighting,” a spokesman for the players said. “If they are not allowed to do that, there’s no telling what will happen to the fabric of our society.”

So you have been warned. If you see a bunch of men walking around in hockey sweaters holding sticks, you better run for your life.

Timon is an adorable meerkat whose philosophy in life is Hakuna Matata. Email him at sports@nyunews.com. 

 

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