Publishing groups shocked the general public with the announcement that they will no longer be printing books on paper.
“Paper printing is an unsustainable industry,” said Mark Hewitt, a representative of a major publishing house.
This comment comes in light of a recent study claiming that almost every tree on earth has been cut down and turned into paper.
“There is simply no way to continue printing new books on paper,” Hewitt said.
When questioned about the predicted advance in electronic book sales, the representative shook his head.
“People love physical books and we do not intend to deny them that pleasure,” he said.
He went on to announce a new plan, to be implemented over the next few years. Rather than making pages out of paper, publishing houses will return to the Medieval method of making books out of a parchment made from animal skin. In a few months, readers will say goodbye to paper and find themselves reading off ink-printed leather.
Opinions on this new development are understandably varied.
“So we’ll be reading ‘Hound of the Baskervilles’ and ‘Animal Farm’ off of dead animals?” said one CAS sophomore. “Cool.”
Others were not so certain.
“Won’t that be really heavy?” asked an LS freshman. “I don’t want to carry around giant leather books all day.”
The most vocal opposition has come from animal rights activism group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
“We do not condone these methods,” the group’s statement said. “Although we do acknowledge that the destruction of forests is also not good for animals.”
Instead, the organization proposed an alternate choice — using human leather.
“Animals don’t deserve to be made into books,” said PETA representative Julie Singer. “And besides, wouldn’t ‘Hamlet’ have a new sense of irony if it were printed on someone’s actual father?”
No major publishing group has yet responded to PETA’s remarks.
A version of this article appeared in the Tuesday, April 1 print edition. Pooh is a bear who loves his hunny and his friends. Today is his favorite day. Email him at email@example.com.