Russian President Vladimir Putin made a surprise move this weekend when he sent Russian military forces into NYU in what the Russian media is calling a “liberation.” Following a criticized campus-wide vote on independence from New York City, advocates of the incursion have pointed to the decision as pretext for the intervention.
The vote followed a political campaign in New York by Putin’s government, featuring such classic slogans as “Can We Invade? Yes We Can!” and “A Vote for Putin is a Vote for Putin, as are Quite a Few of the Votes for Other People.”
The United Nations has been reluctant to intervene.
“It is true that the sovereignty of a nation has been violated,” a UN spokesperson said. “But on the other hand, preventing it sounds really hard.”
A source within the United Nations indicated that they had discussed a plan to undermine the Russian economy by flooding the occupied areas with cheap, unregulated vodka, but these plans were scuppered upon discovery that NYU students had been doing that for years.
With no signs of movement from the United Nations, all eyes turned to the United States. The U.S. government sent Secretary of State John Kerry to engage in negotiations.
“Kerry is one of our most valuable assets,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “I’ve seen him bore an entire room of Israeli and Palestinian diplomats so bad, they were begging to engage in mutual peace talks.”
Some have expressed doubt as to whether Kerry is boring enough to compete with Putin’s blank android face.
After arriving in New York, Putin remarked on his delight that gay men were nowhere to be seen.
“I see men parading down the street, shirtless like me, and they are proud of their masculinity,” Putin said. “I can see they are not gays. I perform outdoor tasks topless. Does that make me gay?”
Putin’s previous support for Bashar al-Assad’s Syrian government,“Operation: Not Even Trying To Pretend Anymore,” garnered criticism, and he is expected to spark criticism for his upcoming “Operation: Volcano Skull Fortress.”
A version of this article appeared in the Tuesday, April 1 print edition. Bagheera is a panther. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.