Now that “Star Wars” is in the hands of Disney, it’s time to part ways with the great John Williams score and adopt a more modern soundtrack format. With this in mind, WSN presents a prospective soundtrack to “Star Wars Episode VII,” comprising 2012’s best songs. Additionally, because no one has the slightest clue what the story of the next Star Wars movie will be, we have created one.
“When No One’s Watching”
— Craig Finn
The title of Craig Finn’s debut solo album, “Clear Heart Full Eyes,” plays off the slogan from the television show “Friday Night Lights.” Finn denied that the album shared any relation to “FNL” outside of the title, but “When No One’s Watching” certainly reflects the show’s sensitive bad boy, Tim Riggins, played by “John Carter” star Taylor Kitsch. Though “John Carter” failed spectacularly at the box office, Hollywood could give Kitsch another chance as Tim Riggins Skywalker, Luke’s rebellious, womanizing son who fails to heed his father’s Jedi teachings until he realizes he must avenge the death of his father.
“The Gravedigger’s Song”
— The Mark Lanegan Band
Mark Lanegan could sing about daisies and rainbows and his voice would still sound like pure evil, and “pure evil” is a good way to describe our villain in Episode VII. A student in Luke’s Jedi training program, he finds himself overtaken by the Dark Side, rises up against his teacher and kills him. This is when TR drops the rebellious attitude and goes out to avenge his father’s death.
“Dying Crapshooter’s Blues”
— Two Gallants
The last time we saw Han Solo, he was happily together with Princess Leia. However, our favorite scruffy nerfherder can’t be tamed, and saying “I know” in response to “I love you” probably isn’t as suave the second time around, especially with liquor on your breath and gambling debts piling up. “Dying Crapshooter’s Blues” is a song about a gambling man’s unrequited love for a woman, and it features a guitar riff that is just plain dirty.
“Freedom at 21”
— Jack White
When Jack White sings “Two black gadgets in her hands/That’s all she thinks about,” he’s probably referring to cell phones and tablets. Replace those with two blasters, and you’ve got the perfect femme fatale to go toe-to-toe with TR. Hopefully this time around, the writers can create a romance for a Skywalker that is age-appropriate and doesn’t have creepy undertones of incest.
“House of Balloons/Glass Table Girls”
— The Weeknd
While on his father’s home planet of Tatooine, TR makes a stop at the Mos Eisley Cantina, where a hip DJ has replaced the happy and upbeat house cantina band. The Weeknd’s dark, psychedelic R&B pumps through the speakers of the revamped cantina. It’ll be like that dance scene in “The Matrix Reloaded,” except a lot less lame.
“Been Away For Too Long”
— Soundgarden
Guess who’s back? It’s Boba Fett! How did he come back from the dead? Who cares! It’s Boba freaking Fett! The return of the coolest character in the Star Wars universe should be set to Soundgarden’s triumphant opening track from their way-better-than-it-should-be reunion album.
“Kashmir (Live)”
— Led Zeppelin
You want an epic final battle? Then you need the song that puts “epic” on the map. The live version of “Kashmir,” released this year as part of the live recording of Led Zeppelin’s reunion performance five years ago, will roar as TR picks up a lightsaber to fight his father’s murderer. He will defeat his enemy, and realize his destiny as a Jedi warrior. But don’t worry, TR Skywalker will be back for Star Wars: Episode VIII. In the words of Robert Plant, “All will be revealed.”
A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, Dec. 6 print edition. Josh Johnson is music editor. Email him at [email protected].
