New York University's independent student newspaper, established in 1973.

Washington Square News

New York University's independent student newspaper, established in 1973.

Washington Square News

New York University's independent student newspaper, established in 1973.

Washington Square News

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EXCLUSIVE: Oscars format changes to ‘Saw’-esque fight for survival

Graphic by Claude Rains/WSN

If you think the Oscars couldn’t sink lower than having Seth MacFarlane host last year, think again.

Next year, as an attempt to bolster struggling ratings, the 86th Academy Awards will have its nominees in all categories — including acting, directing, writing and the visual categories — participate in a fight for survival reminiscent of the “Saw” film series, to be broadcast on live television, Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences spokesperson Tim Burt revealed exclusively to WSN.

“After Seth MacFarlane failed to bring the ratings success we had been hoping for, we knew we had to do something especially groundbreaking,” Burt said. “And the ‘Saw’ movies were popular a few years ago, which is typically how we choose our themes.”

The Oscar ceremony will take place on Sunday, March 2, at which point nominees will awaken to find themselves trapped in what Burt described as “a house of horrors, where every step you take could be your last.” Traps are expected to include a chair made of knives, a pit of botox needles and a deadly pendulum.

Unlike the fictitious “Hunger Games” competition, the Oscars are allowing for the possibility of multiple winners, depending on who can still hold on to their lives after enduring all of the deadly obstacles. However, Burt warned that the possibility of nominees killing each other is “not out of the question,” such as a trap that involves “stabbing a man to death so they can find the key hidden in his stomach.”

Nominee hopefuls have expressed their excitement over the change in the ceremony’s structure.

“I’ve been nominated three times and have never won, so I was starting to think the Oscar voters hated me,” said Leonardo DiCaprio, who critics anticipate being nominated for Martin Scorsese’s “The Wolf of Wall Street.” “But now that they’re just going to throw me in a pit of acid or something, I realize that I actually have a shot.”

But not all celebrities are as optimistic about DiCaprio’s survival, including Jennifer Lawrence, who won an Oscar last year for “Silver Linings Playbook” and is predicted to be nominated for David O. Russell’s “American Hustle.”

“Leo is so cute, thinking he actually has a shot,” Lawrence said. “If he couldn’t survive ‘Titanic,’ what makes him think he’ll survive this?”

When asked whether she is nervous about the horrors that could await her on the night of the ceremony, Lawrence shrugged.

“Nothing is scarier than watching Anne Hathaway and James Franco try to host the Oscars,” she said.

A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, Oct. 31 print edition. Thackery Binx is a talking black cat who is alive for all of eternity. Email him at [email protected].

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  • J

    John Francis FoxNov 1, 2013 at 10:52 am

    Dear Ed: I enjoyed the amusing article about the Oscar nominees taking part in a “Saw”-type battle. However, I have to disagree with the joke about “nothing is scarier than watching Anne Hathaway and James Franco try to host the Oscars.” Does anyone remember Whoopi Goldberg’s pitiful attempt to host the Oscars? The nadir of that night came when she said that she wanted to see Bob Dole meet up with Lorena Bobbitt (in spite of the fact that Bob Dole was a war hero). She also made a nasty remark about Nancy Reagan. If an Oscar host had made these remarks about the Clintons & the Obamas, they would have been condemned by both Democrats & Republicans (and justifiably so). I don’t think that any other Oscar host could ever be as low-class and repugnant as Ms. Goldberg..

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