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HUMOR: Alec Baldwin: ‘Just let Me Walk My Dogs in Peace’

Spotted+nearby+campus%3A+not+Alec+Baldwin
Spotted nearby campus: not Alec Baldwin

Spotted nearby campus: not Alec Baldwin

Louis Rodriguez

Louis Rodriguez

Spotted nearby campus: not Alec Baldwin

Louis Rodriguez, Humor Editor

GREENWICH VILLAGE — Notable actor and wounded animal Alec Baldwin pleaded with our reporter to inform students that all he wants in life is to be able walk his dogs without being peeped at.

“I just want to live in a world where people don’t spook me with their eyes,” Baldwin choked out.

Officials close to the celebrity revealed that Mr. Baldwin has an intense fear of mouth noises and can only stay 50 feet away from so many people.

“If he keeps this up there’s nowhere else to go,” Baldwin’s agent commented. “He’ll have to move to Jersey.”

The actor has attempted to throw off NYU students by going out in various home-sewn disguises, including shuffling underneath a cardboard box, gaining 80 pounds and putting on spandex.  

“I’m never wearing Spanx again. I found hell, and it’s these chafed legs in a morphsuit,” Baldwin said.

Later that day, the actor was spotted taking a picture with a young woman, smiling while pained tears streamed down his face. The woman thanked him, and Baldwin reportedly kicked a tin can all the way home.

Mr. Baldwin lives on the Lower East Side with his two therapy dogs, Fufi and Shania Twain.

For steamy e-mails or cries for help, please contact [email protected]

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HUMOR: Alec Baldwin: ‘Just let Me Walk My Dogs in Peace’