Welcome to WSN’s weekly column, ‘Ask the Sexperts.’ Here, WSN’s resident queers, Gabe the Gay and Luna the Lesbian, do their best to answer your questions about love, dating and sex at NYU and in the big city, straight or otherwise. While their only credentials are “talking too much about sex in the newsroom,” see what they have to say on this week’s questions. Have your own? Ask them here or email us at [email protected]
Question 1: My boyfriend wants to have a threesome with another guy, but I’m worried about what this will do to our relationship. Plus, three dicks are a lot.
Luna: This is a hard one. Threesomes are never simple or straightforward, and whether or not you decide to engage in one is completely up to you. They can be hot and exciting, strengthening your bond with your boyfriend as you take new steps together as a couple, but can also be a hotbed for jealousy and relationship issues. I agree that three dicks is a lot — I usually settle on zero. If your boyfriend is pushing hard for it and you don’t feel comfortable, say ‘no’ right off the bat. It’s your relationship too, and he needs to respect that. Opening up sexually to one person can already be a lot — it’s OK if you want to stop there.
If you do think that you want to try it out, however, ask yourself a few questions first. Do you feel secure and healthy in your relationship? Will either of you get jealous? Imagine different scenarios and how you’d react to them. If you’re confident in your relationship and don’t think jealousy will be an issue, move on to the next step: who will be the lucky third?
You and your boyfriend should decide as a couple who to involve in your threesome. Strangers come with an added benefit of anonymity and a bit of emotional distance (try Tinder), but friends can potentially add levels of comfort and desire. If you do decide to go with someone that you know, make sure it’s someone you’re both familiar with as to not make it one-sided. Be wary of letting your boyfriend just bring in a friend — this shouldn’t be an excuse for his friend to get with you, too.
When you decide on someone, before the threesome begins, establish some ground rules. Let the third person know what they’re there for, and what’s out of bounds, if anything. It’s important to get these things down before anything starts, but if something happens during sex that you’re not OK with, say it. Your boyfriend should value you and respect your needs. If you decide after you do it once that it’s not for you, so be it. If your boyfriend’s not OK with that, that’s his problem. Otherwise, have a blast and enjoy this new addition to your sex life.
Gabe: First of all, if you are not ready to do something like this, then don’t. You have to be in a place in your relationship where you are confident enough to know that it would be strictly sexual. If you are not there yet, then you should not do it. Your boyfriend has to understand that.
If you think you are ready, then make sure you pick someone who you both find attractive. It is also important to establish ground rules beforehand. For example, it may be a good idea to establish that this cannot happen with the same person more than once. That way, you almost guarantee that no feelings will develop.
Finally, discuss beforehand what you hope to do. Threesomes are a great opportunity to break out of your usual sexual routine. If you usually top, try bottoming and vice versa. In terms of the third person, do not be afraid to tell him what you guys want (assuming he is okay with everything, of course). Threesomes are an amazing privilege for the third person, and you should make sure he makes it worth your while. As you say, three dicks is a lot, not just for you and your boyfriend, but for him too. 😉
Question 2: I accidentally started pooping during sex. Help.
Luna: I don’t know if this question was intended to be a joke or not, but what I do know is that this really does happen. According to the great (and unfortunately graphic) sex archives that are the internet, pooping during a strong orgasm is more common than one might think. As embarrassing as this might seem to be, my biggest piece of advice would be to just play it off. Explain yourself a little — maybe your partner will think it’s hot that your orgasm was so strong, assuming that was the reason? — then quickly clean up the sheets and take care of yourself. Don’t be afraid of a little laughter — sex isn’t supposed to be serious, and there’s no denying that something like this happening is awkward. Try your best to be OK with it — everybody poops.
To prevent it in the future, try clearing out your bowels beforehand to reduce the likelihood of another accident. In addition, especially if this is new, think about if anything has changed recently that might be triggering this issue. Have you been particularly drunk or high during sex? This can make you feel extra relaxed and might contribute to your bowels loosening up a little more than usual. If the issue persists, there’s no shame in seeing a doctor or opening up to other professionals about solving the issue. Best of luck.
Gabe: Hmm, my answer to this really depends on if you were having anal sex or not. Because if so, then I think some fecal matter is somewhat normal. Nothing this extreme has ever happened to me, but we have all been caught up in some smelly situations. Don’t worry. The next time you are planning to have anal sex, try to clean out the pipes a little bit. (If you’ve never done this before, buy a douche or enema at your local drugstore. There are tons of videos on YouTube that can show you the exact process.) If the problem continues, it may be time to switch things up. You could try topping or just doing other things. Sex does not always have to be about full-on penetration.
If you this happened during vaginal sex, then you still shouldn’t worry. Sex is supposed to be fun and spontaneous, and there is no reason to be embarrassed for doing something we all do. I once fell asleep entirely during sex; stuff happens. If the person you are sleeping with cannot understand that, then it may be time to find a new f-ckbuddy. Seriously.