Candy cooperative discovered in Gallatin

Candy cooperative discovered in Gallatin

An immense candy factory was discovered in the basement of the Gallatin Building, located at 1 Washington Place, after two students were found suffering from acute sugar shock and completely eroded teeth.

The students were immediately transferred from the Student Health Center to a unit more equipped to handle their conditions. They are now in stable condition, despite needing cosmetic teeth implants.

After a WSN investigation, these cases are determined to not be isolated.

An estimated 63 percent of Gallatin students are currently being quarantined inside the Gallatin Student Lounge for fear of displaying symptoms associated with sugar zombies, including seeing and tasting the rainbow, spending hours postulating how many licks it takes to get to the center of inedible objects and exploding peeps in the microwave.

Immediately after the students were taken to the health center, panic ensued. The university brought in candy factory expert Gene Wilder, 81, to try to sing the students into calm.

The university is now calling for a complete overhaul of the covert candy production at NYU. The factory was found to house several health violations, including unfiltered chocolate waterfalls, cotton candy insulation and pixie stix foundation.

The last known operator of the candy factory is a close friend of Wilder, Milly Monka, an experimental candy physicist who felt Gallatin was the perfect location to stage his interdisciplinary confectionary kingdom. Gallatin students had been taste testers for his greatest achievement yet — Milly Monka’s Magical Marxist Milk Chocolate.

His creation was set for its university-wide debut on Halloween, but as a result of this week’s events, the fate of Monka’s revolutionary confection is uncertain. To be sure, research into the side effects of the candy bar on the quarantined students is needed before it is available for public consumption. No students could be reached for comment.

This story is part of our fictitious coverage in celebration of Halloween 2014. All people and events in the story are fictional.